Ask any parent about the moment that breaks them:
It’s the fifth time they’ve repeated themselves.
The shoes are still in the hallway.
The toothbrush is still dry.
The TV is still on.
That’s when the volume rises, the threats come out, and everyone feels terrible. Power struggles with kids aren’t new. But the way we handle them can change everything about our relationship with them—and the kind of adults they become. Because parenting isn’t just about getting them to comply today. It’s about teaching them how and why to listen in the first place.
Why Power Struggles Happen. It’s easy to assume a child who won’t listen is being disrespectful. But often it’s about control. Children are told where to go, what to wear, when to sleep, what to eat. Their world is a cascade of adult rules. Pushing back is developmentally normal. It’s their way of testing boundaries, asserting independence, and figuring out who they are.
The Trap of Command-and-Control. When parents meet resistance with bigger resistance, it becomes a contest of wills.
In that moment, no one is listening. It’s not discipline. It’s mutual escalation. Connection Before Correction. The phrase sounds soft, but it’s anything but weak. Connection means pausing to see what’s behind the resistance. Is your child tired? Hungry? Overstimulated? Anxious? Testing limits?
Acknowledging these states doesn’t mean excusing behavior. It means understanding it before responding.“I see you really want to keep playing. It’s hard to stop.” This validation lowers defensiveness and opens the door to cooperation. Clarity Without Threat. Children need clear expectations. But they don’t need fear to meet them.
Instead of threats:
“If you don’t get ready in the next five minutes, we’ll have to skip the bedtime story. Consistency here matters more than volume.
Giving Choices Within Limits. Children feel respected when they have options—even small ones.
“Do you want the red cup or the blue?”
“Do you want to do your homework before or after snack?”
These moments give them agency and reduce reflexive “no” responses. It’s a simple way to meet their need for control in safe, age-appropriate ways. Modeling the Behavior You Want. Parents want kids to listen. But listening is a two-way street.
When kids talk, do you pause to hear them?
Do you interrupt or dismiss their emotions?
Do you model patience and calm when you’re frustrated?
Kids are keen observers. They learn more from how you act than what you say. Repair After Conflict. Even with the best intentions, there will be yelling, slammed doors, and hurt feelings. What matters is the repair. “I didn’t like the way I yelled earlier. I was frustrated, but I don’t want to talk to you that way.” This isn’t weakness. It’s teaching accountability. It shows them mistakes aren’t final—they’re opportunities to reconnect.
A Different Kind of Authority. Children need parents to be in charge. But being in charge isn’t the same as being controlling. It’s offering safety and boundaries without shaming. It’s being the calm in the storm, not the storm itself. When parents replace power struggles with understanding, they don’t give up authority—they earn it. They teach children that listening is built on respect, not fear. And that’s a lesson that lasts far longer than any shouted command.
Intelush provides educational content for informational purposes only. It does not provide medical, legal, financial, or therapeutic advice. Results are not guaranteed. All use of Intelush materials is at your own risk. By using this site or its content, you agree that Intelush is not responsible for any outcomes, actions, or decisions you take based on this information. Always consult a qualified professional for advice specific to your situation.
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